These past few weeks have really taken every ounce of what I thought I had left to offer. My faith in humanity was overwhelming and I have been so in love with the kindness that was spreading. What I didn’t realize was what was also still spreading in our area at the time was covid. The more and more that opened in our community, the more it began to feel like it didn’t exist almost or at least that we were over the hardest part of it all.
Boy was I wrong, so far wrong. Covid caught us, it got my friends, my household and my family and its getting anyone it can grab. I wasn’t even convinced before that it was a thing really, or at best it was a common cold and that I had had it before.
Unfortunately this was like a bug I had never had before and I knew it as soon as it kicked in.
I tested and was coming back negative, and I thought ok, I have not been unwell for a while so that is why I was being hit hard, also, I didn’t have any covid symptoms at this point, I felt sore, particularly my legs and I had a headache. Both of which were rather explainable, as I had done a fair bit of exercise that day and im really prone to headaches anyway. It took a few days to get a positive result after having a fever the night before. Our tests are flawed, majorly, but really its all we have.
This was the start of a nightmare month, and catching covid was probably the easiest part of it all.
Isolation for 10 days was definitely what we needed. For almost the whole 10 days we were wiped out. It didn’t take our breath or our sense of taste luckily, but we had no appetite or energy. It took my smell for a few days, which I only noticed because I hadn’t smelled a fart in about a week. We had numerous people messaging asking if we were ok and wished us well, but even replying felt like a massive challenge. We spent our time doing nothing, literally not moving an inch unless absolutely necessary.
I cant even explain the extent of it, but its pretty damn exhausting. It became rather worrying though as my Gran fell ill at almost the exact same time and then my papa too. There was this dread and fear that we had gave them what we had, however, being stuck in isolation meant we could do nothing. We hadn’t seen my grandparents for 5 days before we tested positive and hoped beyond everything that they would be ok and it wasn’t this.
We did our isolation and finally got out. Things were looking better for us, but by this point my papa was taken to hospital and my Gran was barely coping. We worked out isolation dates for them and then figured out when I would finally be able to go and help my Gran at least. My papa was being cared for by some amazing doctors and nurses at the hospital, whom we knew he would have made friends with quickly, and they told us he had tested positive. He was doing well and beginning to feel more and more like himself. My Gran the same, but just exhausted. We were finally able to do a test for her too, although by this point it was almost useless and was more of a confirmation for her piece of mind.(PCR tests can show positive for up to 3 months after having covid) All the signs pointed in that direction and the test was of course positive.
Unfortunately there was a miscommunication with track and trace and they contacted my Gran, who was struggling to remember what day it was as the exhaustion took over her life. They decided that I should return to isolation for 10 days again to make sure I would not catch it again and pass it on again, even though I was still suffering the effects and still had the virus. (apparently after your 10 days you are highly unlikely to pass it on, however you still have covid and are just no longer infectious.)
Anyway, this news didn’t go down great with myself, but I was grateful that the rest of my household would not have to suffer and my mum was able to come take my place with my Gran. Everything worked out really, but having freedom for a few days and it being ripped away felt like the world was taunting me. Luckily I have this inner chirpy voice of a friend in my head. When it feels rather dark and everything is going wrong, I get her voice saying “Aw, its not that bad! you don’t need to think like that.”
There were a few things really keeping me going luckily:
My kids smiling faces and sheer delight at the extra time they got to spend with me. The messages from friends and family cheering me up, with jokes, baby and doggy pictures. The doorstep drop offs from a work friend, who had no obligation to even think of my family at any great length, but who has so much kindness in her heart that she delivered almost every day. Also done in secret to surprise my kids and bring sheer wonder to their faces. Video calls, internet shopping and our garden. Also getting to keep our 4 kittens for a few days extra.
I’ve probably forgotten a lot, but the kindness seeps from pores you wouldn’t even imagine.
I was only a few days into the second isolation and was counting down the time for life to return to normal when my papa took a turn in the hospital. They phoned to say he had to be moved to the ICU but with not great definition as to why. My sisters and I spent a lot of time video calling each other and my mum and Gran. Keeping faith and hope with each other. Hes the strongest man we know and would not be defeated easily, as long as he was in the right place, they would look after him.
The following day he made a complete turn around and was video calling my Gran to tell her how great he was feeling. He was watching cowboy movies and looking at cars he wanted to buy, talking to his grandkids who are the pride and joy of his life.
He spent a lifetime protecting us, guiding us and having our backs for every adventure if not creating adventures for us. He fixed everything and became our safe place. The poor man, had 3 female grandkids who would constantly phone him or visit to moan his face off , sit on his knee (the best seat in the house) and get a cuddle to be able to carry on with their busy lives and never once did he moan about it. I don’t know if our Papa could mean anything more to us than he does. He has played so many roles in our life, too many to list.
I keep re-writing everything I have about describing his life because it never feels like it is enough. He was such a big personality and such a big part of our lives, and we, no matter what, were always enough for him.
Love you Papa, was the last message he was able to see from me. Love you back, was my final reply from the best man I have ever known.
He died later on that night.
5 minutes after I was looking to the moon. They say the moon doesn’t have its own light source, but it lit up the sky. I took a picture not knowing that he was gone, having a feeling he had, but was wishing against all hope that he was going to stay.
This is not a tribute to my papa, because it would no where near cover a patch of his amazing life. This is just a brief description of the most robbing month of my life. Life subtlety goes on around you and it sometimes feels like you are just a spectator. The world feels heavier and not the same without him. I don’t know if that feeling will ever pass, but all I can say for now is thank you to those who made any effort to support us, it does not go unnoticed and yous are the souls that keep faith and love alive.
We love you Papa more than you will ever know.