I read an article recently about another parent who essentially lived with the fear of losing her kids and partner. The fear that they could be stricken away at any moment in time haunted her and as I was reading I finally didnt feel as crazy as I had believed for so long I was.
I have spoken to a few other close friends about this crippling fear, still not as in depth as how consuming it is for worry of being locked up in asylum and thus making the fear come to existence.
So after reading this article, it turns out there is absolutely loads of people who suffer in the same way and are ruled by fear. It actually just becomes so normal to us all that its just who we are now. I keep thinking that there has to be a better way to live.
Personally I know I become worse with certain triggers depending what I read on facebook or hearing stories of what other people locally have been through. I always have admiration for these people who go through some horrific things and come out the other side, seemingly unscathed, however in the back of my mind a little switch is triggered and panic attacks and fear kick in. The racing thoughts, horrendous nightmares and obscene intrusive ideas.
At my worst I cant leave my kids, ever. I cant go to the shop without them and my heart is pounding when I am going to work (although I am fine when I arrive most of the time).
This engulfing pandemic has made me fear travel. Seems a bit ridiculous, but I have a friend who lives 6 hours away and had a baby 4 months ago. I still cant visit her, even if I take the kids, I cannot fathom the idea of organizing the trip and making it down and back without something happening. I have tried forcing myself into these situations and it doesn’t solve anything, in fact possibly makes it worse. My sister had a baby last year, just as we were coming out of lockdown so my dad said he would drive us all down (the whole 10 hours) and we would stay for 3 hours before returning home. None of us would have to take time off work and could still meet our beautiful niece. Amazing idea in theory, in practice I spent the whole journey having a series of panic attacks in between sleeping. We arrived at her house and I still was repeating “we can still turn back, its not to late to go home.”
Once we were inside and I got to see this amazing bundle of beautifulness, everything subsided and I got to cuddle my sister. The journey home started in the same way with panic until my other sister who was with us in the car had a seizure. (turns out we are all a bit screwed up, and none of us can figure out why.) She has non-epeliptic seizures where you brain just kind of says “nope” and shuts down your body. (more on that later, another possible side effect of dealing with stress)
Now in situations where I must leave my kids for work, school etc. it can be the most thoughtful and scary moments of the day. Not all the time, but often if I have a reason not to trust anyone and then its a nightmare. A new teacher at school was this weeks fear. Like common things that would not usually, can become a massive deal. Leaving my kids with family, even though I know they will be fine is terrifying.
Anyway enough about that, each individual is affected differently and sometimes is worse than others, but the general idea is that it is no way to live.
So this woman is officially diagnosed with post-partum anxiety and my query was when is it no longer post-partum and how the hell do you recover and move on in life?
So with a little bit of research its essentially still post-partum for as long as it lasts. If you have had a baby and it kicks off this anxiety that snowballs then essentially you are stuck with it until you seek help.
Its so easy to say get help, but in all honesty where do you even turn to?
So with a little digging there is a few places you can start:
I am by no means a proffesional of expert on this subject, and am working based off of personal experience.
External help
There is this amazing online tool provided by the NHS called the hub of hope. This service is not just for use for post-natal illness its a directory for any mental health charities and services available.
This is a wildly under used resource and needs to be put out there a lot more.
The Hub of hope
If you know anyone at all suffering or struggling in any shape or form, make them aware of this resource. If they don’t want to get help from a GP or anyone you may initially think of, then they can use this in their own time and choose what they feel comfortable with.
You can contact these local sources too.
- Your GP (it can sometimes become a nightmare to get through and some may refer you to a specialist and others may offer medication and time-off work etc from my experience, however all are different.)
- A CBT provider (locally or online, these people exist all over the place but you are not always aware of them until you go searching. (Google or a Facebook search is a good bet) One I have found locally is Yoga Megs who is great- CLICK HERE for more info.
Self help and coping ideas
Here is a couple i have a found whilst browsing late at night:
- 3-3-3 rule – Find 3 things you can see and name them, 3 things you can hear and name them, and finally move 3 parts of your body. Apparently this is a bit of a mind trick to slow your mind when its moving at 100mph.
- Breathe – try are focus on breathing as evenly as possible
- Standing up straight- superhero pose (if you have seen grays anatomy, you know it works)
- Changing your activity – do something different to what you are doing at that moment in time. It changes your thought process, ideally.
- Reality check your thoughts- running a worse case scenario? check the likelihood of the worst case happening and remind yourself of how you would deal with it. chances are you are more than prepared for any scenrio, even though it is likely not to happen.
- Affirmations- A phrase or sentence that can bring you back to reality. It might take a while to find this and every individual is different: “Im panicking, but I am ok and I don’t need to take action. Im ok.” For me personaly i resonate with songs and a common song i heard that snapped me out of a panic contained the words “get out of my head” Evidentally the song is called “get out of my head by Shane codd”
- A distraction of any form- taking your thumb and touching each finger in a sequence, start with 1 hand and add two. Or find 2 numbers and try and add them, or multiply them, find a word and try and make as many other words as you can. Count the amount of tiles on a wall or steps it takes from one point to another. The oppertunities are endless and whatever it takes to get you out of the cycle.
- Talk to a friend – talk to someone and let them fact check you or distract you.
A huge part of any of this is recognising that you are panicing or that your head or heart is going at 100mph so that you can then change your thought process.
This is all I have learned so far so feel free to join me on a journey to find a solution or at least long term coping ideas that allow you to be in control of your own mind and fears.
Also feel free to contribute anything helpful and your own story. Recognising that you dont want to be this way is the start of recovery, and finding help is easier as a team.