Finding bliss

I have avoided life so much, well not real life. We have been living so much in the moment and using all the brain power we can muster to stay on the ball, that anything other than than that has been impossible. Conserving my energy for interactions that are unavoidable (not that they are not enjoyable also, because they definitely have been) and essential living activities, like showering, cooking, napping and such like. 

However I have had so many beautiful days of recharging, Which I thankfully found out is not what I believed it to be. I thought to rest and recharge you need to sit and do nothing, or get a massage or something annoying like that. I’ve done not allot of that recently and I feel rather vitalized. my list of things that were recharging? : Swim, Sauna and steam room, days or evening with family and friends, walking for miles in good company, dipping in the sea, planned days out (not by me), good movies and singable songs. 

Most of these days and enjoyable times I really dont want to forget, and need to write about them, because I have absolutely no pictures of the joy. Luckily I feel this is a great sign, as I was too busy enjoying myself to take pictures, or too busy keeping up with the kids and making sure they survived the experience. Either way, its been good crack. 

Ive learned rather a few bits in the past few months that I didnt expect. Since my hair fell out again I decided that I was going to just live with it, rather than chasing a cure. There are multiple minor bonuses of being bald that make it worth while, such as: no hair to manipulate before leaving the house (chuck on a hat you are sorted), this also means no hair to wash, no coldness of wet hair, getting dried and dressed is so easy, people avoid you when they dont know what to say, interesting people approach you because weird attracts weird (the definition of weird is completely blurry in all aspects) and finally, you occasionally get away with speeding. 

Now although I`ve not really noticed my hair being gone again, I havent had any occasions that I need to attend where I want to look femenine, or with people I am not comfortable with. I have though committed to making it not an issue. If I put that energy out there, it will naturally become a thing, not just for me, but for anyone struggling with any form of something trying to take their self confidence and esteem. 

The CBT journey has been fabulous, and probably my biggest reason why I have avoided writing. I like to type, because then I can almost keep up with my thought proccess, but unfortunately I spent all my energy working on my thoughts that I didnt think about looking for my laptop charger. I have litterally opened the laptop about 7 times and think “damn, no battery” and thats as far as it goes. No outer connective problem solving thought. Until today! How proud I am. 

So anyway, back to the CBT, it began with a general outline analysis of my life and current restraints (my big fears and fcuk ups), as well as a basic idea of my childhood. Now this was a bit annoying, because I thought that having kids had kicked off my issues and it had just been a bumpy ride from the start, but really it all began long before this. How annoying that your reactions and thought proccesses to everything begin in childhood and you spend you life finding evidence fot these beliefs, whether they are good or bad. 

For example: I was bullied in school and never fought back, so the belief I got from this was that I am weak. Now this belief just sat within me for years, gathering evidence everytime I failed at something, or each time I felt lonely and until It is challenged, it just encourages you to think this way of yourself. Now it wouldnt be such a terrible thing if we didnt have automatic behaviours that come from this thought. So the sittuation is: You have a busy day at work and are on a shift with unfamiliar people, no- one talks much (nothing out of the ordinary) and then another external person (having a bad day) complains about something irrelivent. You feel their anger and frustration and although you solve the problem, it doesnt make it feel better (because you just got shouted at by a random asshole) . Your automatic reponse is to retreat into yourself and not interact with others. You then leave work and no one says goodbye. You feel the lonliness and then are disapointed in your self for no particular reason, apart from the fact that the thought is lingering in your head that you are a failure and therefore weak. 

You have found more evidence to back up your statement (that isnt true) just because of a day that externally triggered it.

The belief has came full circle waiting for the next thing to happen for you to fall into that trap again. 

Now this is my understanding of how CBT works, but I dont know if I fully have the idea, and I imagine it is totally different for each individual, but the cycles are similar. As far as I am aware also is the key to breaking these cycles is by first identifying them, challenging them and practice. 

An immediate challenge for this particular fear is simple. What is weak? What is a failure? 

And as soon as you start defining these you unravel the expectations you hold for yourself, compared to those you hold for others. If your standards arent the same for others as they are for yourself, then why is that? Why do you put more pressure on yourself than others? or is it the opposite way around? Should you give yourself a break? Must you hold these standards all the time or is it situation specific? 

Was that too much? I dont even know if that will make sense to anyone, I hope it does, infact I hope it encourages you to relieve your own pressure. Especially if you can relate to “surface pressure” from Encanto, or even fell like its a tear jerking power ballad when you sing along, not just me surely? 

Also not everything you think is true. Not everything you think is what you actually are feeling. 

 

Anyway, little bright spots this month have been in abundance. I have had so many valuable conversations that have set my days up amazingly. I went to the bookshop the other day on the high street and got lost for an hour. The gent there was so helpful and I felt like I could stay there all day. (Pre-warning: heres the boring part) I found a peter pan book that was around 70 years old and fell completly in love! I couldnt believe it. It was litterally a stained blue book that was falling apart at every seem and cost me about £2. Its made my month almost and the kids have loved hearing it at night, although are rather ratty when I dont show them the pictures because Im scared to break the pages. 

Now I did warn you it was boring, becuase I often forget and dont relise until its over. One of my bosses at work fell into the trap when i was telling him about this book and another I had bought the same day. I rambled for a good 5/10 minutes about these books adn forgot to even look at his body language. When I did, I was genuinly worried for him as The boredom has sent him into a trance of “not giving a fuck” land and I imagined him never returning. 

Luckily he did and told me “sincerly” that it was the most “riveting” conversation he had, had in a long time. 

Less boring things to happen this month:

-The kittens all found their forever homes and I no longer have to change cat litter every 20 minutes.

-We went to soft play and ran around more than the kids,

-we went a walk along the beach in aberdeen with my dad and he didnt sound like darth vader,( i have an image of him in my head mouthing “cheeky shit” as he reads this. )

-multile video calls with my sisters that last apporximatly 1 minutes before someone has to bail to sort out a kid,

-A “relaxing” day with my mum, collecting wood for projects. (whilst singing the song of the wombles)

-Life updates from friends without actually updating each other and just discussing how much we miss each other,

-first dip in the sea of the year and making new friends (the sun was rising, turning the waves yellow and there was a rainbow overhead, sheer bliss) 

-our first trip ice skating today and we all left with out fingers. 

-New sayings from the kids “emotional damage” and calling everyone “cheese head brown pants” 

-My sons face coming out of nursery in total awe of the firey sky.

-My sister writing her first cleaning course and selling before its even completed!

There have been so many more moments that have been absolutly magical this year so far, and I sure hope it continues because they are the recharging part of life.

Just incase you need to hear it: Get out of your own way.  

And just incase you dont need to hear that, maybe its this: Just being is enough. Trying your best all the time isnt sustainable. 

Or just a congratualtions that you made it to the end of this post. You should be proud of yourself, I am, because really i couldnt even proof read it, so you have read more of this than I have.