A did it!

Oh what a time to be alive. 

I wrote a book, and people have bought it. It does not exactly mean they will like it, but they supported me. And I am beyond overwhelmed.

 

Get the book here!

 

 That is a bit of understatement to say the least. I am still in disbelief and am signing the copies of the books with pencil just in case. Why pencil? Well just in case this version of reality does not exist, and people do not actually want my book. They can rub it out and pass it on. Ridiculous, I know but self-doubt is still prevalent in my life and probably the source of my poor memory skills.

I do not know why, but most women I know live and grow believing they are not as valuable as they are. I would love to say that I have outgrown this part of my mind, but the evidence is flaunting. Each new interaction I have with people about my book is still overwhelming. Folks from all walks of life are congratulating me and are giving the most heart-warming feedback and I am puzzled. I know I am fabulous, but only in my world. The real world is a new venture to conquer.

It’s a fine line between being boastful and living humbly in society. One I am not willing to breach.

Life is crazy busy just now and its only looking more and more intense. The mangled mind is not useful for keeping up however google calendar is the best stand in I have found. I spend my nights trying to find the connection to the world and a little baby gate in my says “nope!”. I am currently typing this, listening to a song called “Night trouble” on Spotify to try and encourage sleep. I know I am tired, but my mind wants to do something. Well one half of it does, the other part of me if trying to drag my ass to bed.

Days are so full of joy and weirdness. It’s the paying attention part is the most complex of it all. Trying to remember to do everything that needs to be done in a day whilst taking time and paying attention to what is going on around you is sometimes an almost impossible task.

I had so many moments of joy that are luckily slapping me in the face as a reminder that these are the things that make me happy. Last week it was a whole year since my papa passed away. (I hate that phrase but anything else just seems disrespectful)

On that day I had a bunch of flowers delivered by a friend, not because she knew that I needed it, but because she was proud of me for writing my book. She even featured in it, which is the least I could do for the years of friendship. My dad also phoned and expressed his sheer pride for me and my siblings, all unique and achieving in our own ways. My Gran also messaged a little daily reminder to face the day in whatever manner we could.

Each little gesture was what kept the day on a high.

Also we welcomed a new human to the family, a little boy destined for a life of love and possibly a huge squeeze from his adoring sister. 

 

“What do you think success is?” asked the boy

“To love,” said the mole.

 

Success is sheerly not defined by any number of skills achievements or anything of monetary value. Success for me is enjoying what we do, helping who we can and trying my darnedest at anything. I doesn’t mean I can’t do anything wrong, or that I must be perfect. It means that when I do make a mistake or something that does not sit right, then I rectify it the best I can.  I can’t always fully fix things, but I’ll try or I will reflect and change the effect for next time, and I’m pretty sure that counts as success.

My books arrived yesterday and luckily, I was having a good day which is mostly down to the fact that my Gran filled my belly with delicious soup and pudding. The box my books came in was destroyed and falling to bits. It was soggy and I was worried for the contents, however they were fine. It was just a bit disappointing. Not the end of the world.

Thinking about success really is becoming interesting. I used to think that it all depended on how luxurious you were able to make your life, whether it was investing, buying property or owning things. This is maybe still the way some people think, which of course is fine but with the current ever changing world, no one will be able to properly own anything. Well own any more than what they currently do. Debt is life and people have made a lifestyle and a living out of debt which still blows my mind. I had grown up with the understanding that debt was bad and if you don’t have the money, then you don’t spend or own anything.

This was a generation grown to believe you needed to graft to make anything of yourself. You needed to work yourself to the bone from the bottom to the top. Sounds like a nice idea in theory (in fact, it does not even sound nice. The thought of it all makes me want to sleep) but how much space is there at the top? How can we all fit.

We do not obviously. Some will make it, some wont. Some will carve their own path to “their top” and some people will bottom out finding bliss and success in the opposite direction.

Success is unquantifiable and is only what you make it.

Today my success has been to smile. I have also been successful at overeating and lounging and to be honest, I am still quite content with those triumphs, even if they are slightly off my trajectory. Minor blips, ill call them. Not mission ending failures.

Today I have loved and felt love and by goodness that is more than enough. Has writing a book helped me relieve my stress and grow my hair back?

Hell no, but my secrets are now also yours and I have no shame as it turns out!

Thank you to you all for your never-ending kindness and so hope you enjoy my ramblings. My droll ramblings this week anyway. I lost my little white cat and to be honest I am blaming every bad mood on not having her anymore. My Friday night plan did not involve trying to dig a big enough hole for her in the rain, am I surprised? Not in the slightest. Its been that kind of week, but I would rather she was here. 

 

Who know what tomorrow shall hold, but either way, today has been a success and now I can settle enough to drag my ass to bed.