Another late night ramble.
What a strange few days it has been. We spent the weekend with my family and had a great time. watching football and supporting Scotland in the Euros and before we knew it, Monday rolled around again. School runs and work took over, which was lucky as life seemed to be confusing and unknown.
I imagine it’s because we are coming out of lockdown more and more and the previous life we had is no longer desirable. In fact it actually feels like a chore. We already live in a quiet town where life isn’t as busy as the cities, however cramming more and more into days feels impossible.
The only thing that encourages any form of desire or progression in life seems to be people. Not just anyone though, the right people at the right time of day completely changes the mood and optimism.
A friendly face on the school run or a funny confession from friends at work. I had great pleasure in watching Scotland go out of the Euros with a very loving face. A friend who reminds me of a mermaid ( the nice ones we read about in books, not the evil wenches from Pirates of the caribbean). She’s fabulous company with hilarious takes on life and I suggest you have at least one friend in your life who enjoys loafing on the sofa and chatting crap or not, but just enjoys the chill.
Today we celebrated my other friend’s birthday and had planned to go out for lunch. After realising the mechanics of actually going to a cafe with kids in tow and getting the quality time we wanted together with other friends and kids too, we opted for a stay in lunch. We bought food and enjoyed some play in the garden with the kids literally all day and we were allowed to question if our kids were “windy lickers” without judgement, mostly agreement.
It was a sweet day and so relaxed and all I actually needed. The whole week so far, (I know only a few days, but they have felt longer than normal) I had been questioning what was the point and what was the future going to hold. (also questioning my sanity, however that’s becoming too regular to be classed as “out the norm”)
The unknown is terrifying at times which has become so much more prevalent in the past year and a half than ever before. With major life decisions being made by an external source. Control of our own lives are being stripped away as if we are no longer worthy of the power over ourselves. I know essentially this is not the case, but when you try to make grand plans or have big ideas it can become exhausting thinking about which hoops you have to jump through to make anything come into fruition.
I imagine I have too much time to think and also have natural tendencies to become a hermit therefore traveling anywhere that isn’t within walking distance of my home is also scary.
In particular I want to visit my friends who live far away, whom I miss so dearly and also sent me an early birthday present which made me miss them even more. For today though, they lifted me and filled my head with happy thoughts and memories of what it feels like to be in their company. Both of these friends have kids who I adore as if they were my own and have different interests to me, but are supportive of anything you throw at them (sometimes including an explanation of what the subject is before loving you all the same.)
Having these different people in life is inspiring. It’s taken a while to find each of these individuals and have come from all different stages of my life, but never change in levels of love. Conversations can take days because I meet people who forget to reply to messages as often as I do, luckily.
This week I also managed to not organise a date with my school friends. We try so hard and then forget, although it does still kind of feel like success that we even spoke about it.
Today I am happy and content. No panicking and no ridiculous dreams from the night before.
“Cover me in sunshine
Shower me with good times
Tell me that the world’s been spinning since the beginning
And everything will be alright”
I’m sick of the dreams and their presence in my life. Coming out of each dream and knowing its significance to underlying worries doesn’t make it feel any better. It doesn’t take the horror away and it certainly doesn’t make me feel any more at ease.
I was convinced I was over panicking and losing control of my thoughts, but there was a trigger that made me doubt myself and it’s back. Last year I knick named my fear Daisy as to try and make it feel less intimidating, or at least to make it easier to say “ the bitch is back”
So here we go again, but we’ve got this. I know I`m not alone, which makes “Daisy” more of an inconvenience rather than an actual problem.
Also good news! My cat is having babies. Well I think it’s good news because essentially it’s too damn late to change it. We also have tomatoes and strawberries successfully growing and I’m optimistic for the cauliflowers. I stupidly planted them all at the same time so if you see an ad on facebook in a few weeks for free cauliflowers, you know where they will be coming from.
Goodnight.
“Kindness is loaning someone your strength instead of reminding them of your weakness”- Unknown